So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
