i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
