My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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