i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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