I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
