why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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