based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
