Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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