were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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