There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
