all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
