cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
