sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
