well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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