I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
