I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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