i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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