i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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