I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
