i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
