my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
