Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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