Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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