Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I supernannyed him into submission
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
