Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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