now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
