well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
