Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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