I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
