we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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