How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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