I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
