i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
