Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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