Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
