he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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