i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
