You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
