At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
