Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i was born a porn star she said
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
