If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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