He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
