I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
