Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it hurts more in the daytime
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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