Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize