Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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