My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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