but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
