I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
