I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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