So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
