You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
