The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
