and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
