take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
