Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
